After recognizing that we had been victims of a nasty financial scam, our minds were reeling with thoughts and feelings of disbelief, anger, and misery. Would life return to the well-being we had before the scam?
In the midst of our post-scam trauma, the following words became a North Star for us: “Like waves in the ocean, all things are impermanent. I will accept whatever happens and make it my friend.” (Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche)
This life is fleeting. By befriending everything that occurs in our lives, we can use our experiences as opportunities for spiritual transformation.
In relation to our scam, we realized that to fight the situation (including naming person(s) in a lawsuit) was not the solution. This would only nurture aversion, anger, hatred, dislike, aggression, and a measure of pride. Also, it would keep the flames of pain and hurt much alive!
To engage in flight was likewise not the answer. This was escapism – a running away, hiding out, withdrawing, and avoiding. Nothing whatsoever would be achieved or resolved. And, worse still, aversion, anger, hatred, and so forth, would still continue to exist.
To simply freeze was also not an option. This would be a form of denial of the whole situation – and leave us immobilised and paralysed as far as any constructive action.
Therefore, to “make it my friend” was indeed the way forward into healing our thoughts and emotions. To befriend the situation and persons involved meant that we could learn from it all – to understand it, to gain life-changing insights, and to live with humility and compassion.
Additionally, to befriend the situation meant employing love and compassion – both for ourselves and those people involved in the scam. Instead of fighting the situation, we could welcome it! Accepting the situation and persons was indeed a form of love and compassion – opening up the heart-mind instead of contracting and withdrawing into our own cocoons!
This then, we learnt, was how true freedom from our pain and suffering would come after the scam.
After reaching acceptance, we were able to gradually let the situation go. Thoughts, memories, and feelings no longer triggered us as frequently. However, letting go was not simply giving up — we would still need to do all that we could to restore our healing and well-being.
The Power of Acceptance: Stop Resisting and Find the Lesson
“Of course, there is no formula for success except, perhaps, an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.” (Arthur Rubinstein)
Part of the real beauty of life is that it’s unpredictable. Nothing is permanent, everything changes, and of course, a lot of things can happen that will transform who we are and have an impact on our life. The problem is that we need to cultivate the ability to truly accept whatever comes and embrace it.
We need to develop the habit of looking at whatever happens through a positive mindset instead of a negative, defeatist one.
Of course, life will bring many challenges, such as the death of someone we love, and it’s not easy to embrace them when we’re suffering and wishing those things would have never happened. But if we start cultivating acceptance in our lives now, we will likely cope with future crises in a different way and view them from a different perspective. We will accept, instead of resisting.
We might want things to be different in the future, but in the present moment we need to accept things as they are. That is the way we can make our life flow smoothly instead of roughly. We will discover that we are happier and more peaceful when we accept what has happened instead of constantly fighting to change things.
Acceptance is a choice—a hard one most definitely, but a choice nonetheless. There are two ways out of a problem: accept what’s happening, see the positive, and choose a peaceful state of mind; or fight against it, be miserable, and struggle against the universe.
Whether it’s a family loss, a missed opportunity, or a sudden change in our plans, being able to accept things that are out of our control will help us maintain inner peace and happiness.
Acceptance can be a key to convert momentary happiness to enduring happiness. It helps us move from feeling happy to actually being happy.
Practicing acceptance prepares us to live in this changing world, where we never know what is going to happen next. Acceptance is like protecting ourself with our own shield.
Of course, we need to understand that acceptance is not at all related to weakness, and is definitely not a synonym for conformity or mediocrity. We need to learn how to identify when it is time to persist and when it is time to accept.
Finally, finding the lesson or purpose behind every challenge will help us embrace it instead of fighting it.
(Source: Based on https://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-power-of-acceptance-stop-resisting-and-find-the-lesson/)
A.C.C.E.P.T.
We once created an acronym with the letters A.C.C.E.P.T. The principles of this acronym apply to all people we deal with in life, including the scammers that had bitterly betrayed us.
Together, in an interconnected way, we are in this mystery called life, with its joys and sorrows. Yet, receiving and accepting one another is not always easy. The acronym, A.C.C.E.P.T., can remind us of six sublime truths about living life.
Allowing – give people the freedom and joy to be themselves, and steer away from projecting unnecessary expectations, demands, and judgments on them.
In the case of the scammers, their hurtful, non-virtuous behaviour could not be accepted – we always need to separate the “sin from the sinner”. We ought to love all people, yet without tolerating or condoning unethical actions.
Cherishing – cherish people equal to our self-cherishing, and show them loving kindness whenever possible.
We realized that each scammer is a human being, who like us, wants to be happy and free from suffering. Yet, due to the law of causality, their actions will only further their suffering – for which we need compassion.
Compassion – care for people’s welfare and foster their well-being, deeply desiring to alleviate any of their suffering.
May each scammer realize that the pain and suffering they are inflicting on others, will inevitably return to them in like manner. To avoid fully reaping what they have sown, may they deeply regret their deeds, and undertake positive remedial actions.
Equanimity – strive to be free of attachment and aversion, and show goodwill equally to all.
Even as we were unwittingly caught in a scam situation, we showed kindness and respect to the scammer who was dealing with us – this we have not regretted. Because we were not filled with animosity toward the person even after we realized that we had been scammed, our prayer for them has been heartfelt.
Patience – endure challenging situations with people, and refrain from quickly reacting with annoyance, anger, or aggression. Realize that hatred breeds more hatred and is only conquered by love.
In looking back, we did not respond to the scammer with anger and hatred even after we realized it was a scam and clearly felt the hurt and pain. We have since patiently waited to see how the authorities may resolve our case.
Thankfulness – be grateful for our precious human existence, because any life can end quickly and unexpectedly. Extend empathetic joy toward others, rejoicing with them in their happiness and successes (why be envious and jealous?).
In relation to the scam, we are thankful for all that we come to understand and for even being able to reach out to others with a book and a website, dedicated to helping others to journey through a scam or other kinds of trauma.
These noble qualities of goodwill – when used with all-important discernment and wisdom – are an ideal way of relating to all living beings. They free the heart and mind from needless suffering and unhappiness – which has been the case with our own upsetting financial setback.
May all beings have happiness and the causes of happiness.
May all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.
May all beings never be separated from the supreme joy
that is beyond all sorrow.
May all beings abide in equanimity free from attachment and aversion.
(Above four aspirations taken from The Heart of Dharma Collection, produced by SourcePoint Global Outreach. Visit https://sourcepointglobaloutreach.org/naljor-prison-dharma-service/)
In summary, here are lessons we have learnt:
(1) Accept all of life’s situations, remembering that we cannot change the past or guarantee the future. We can only live and act in the present.
(2) Whatever life brings us, it is as it is. The Serenity Prayer is apropos: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”
(3) “If you know how to make good use of the mud, you can grow beautiful lotuses. If you know how to make good use of suffering, you can produce happiness. We need some suffering to make happiness possible.” (Thich Nhat Hanh)
(4) Trust that all things, indeed, can work together for good (Romans 8:28).
Alexander and Eva Peck