When wronged – especially grievously or unjustly wronged – forgiveness can be most challenging!
This is certainly true in the painful situation of having been cunningly taken advantage of in a scam, resulting in significant loss. The feelings of betrayal, broken trust, and helplessness in dealing with the loss – as well as the recurring hurtful memories that are unexpectedly triggered – can make forgiveness extremely difficult for people.
And yet, forgiveness is still necessary – in fact, vital for our longer-term well-being and health. For example, it appears that repressed emotions – and this would include those emotions associated with unforgiveness – can contribute to chronic stress which could stimulate the production of cancer cells.
Forgiveness frees us from the power of the perpetrator, whereas unforgiveness and grudges hold us tied to the situation and in a victim mode. It has been wisely said that unforgiveness – and an associated on-going root of bitterness – is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Additionally, forgiveness needs to be applied to ourselves – and not only the perpetrator/s. For example, with deep resentment, we build our case against the scammer. “The word resentment means ‘to feel again’. Each time we repeat to ourselves a story of how we’ve been wronged, we feel again in our body and mind the anger at being violated. But often enough our resentment of others reflects our resentment of ourselves” (Brach, Tara. Radical Acceptance. New York: Bantam Books, 2003.) And so again, we need to deeply also forgive ourselves.
At times, “you may find the unfinished business of the heart arising. The pains you carry from the past may appear, including those situations you’ve not been able to forgive. … Forgiveness is the release of anger and blame to start anew. Without forgiveness, we remain chained to the past.” (Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield)
In the context of forgiveness, the following verses from an ancient Buddhist text have much relevant meaning:
1. Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think. Suffering follows an evil thought as the wheels of a cart follow the oxen that draw it.
2. Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think. Joy follows a pure thought like a shadow that never leaves.
3. “He was angry with me, he attacked me, he defeated me, he robbed me” – those who dwell on such thoughts will never be free from hatred.
4. “He was angry with me, he attacked me, he defeated me, he robbed me” – those who do not dwell on such thoughts will surely become free from hatred.
5. For hatred can never put an end to hatred; love alone can. This is an unalterable law.
6. People forget that their lives will end soon. For those who remember, quarrels come to an end. (Easwaran, Eknath. The Dhammapada (Easwaran’s Classics of Indian Spirituality). Tomales, CA: Nilgiri Press, 2007)
From our hurtful scam experience, we have learnt that it was better not to dwell on the unfortunate and unpleasant experience – if at all possible. Otherwise, we found that we were just perpetuating our pain and hurt – and unwittingly nurturing unforgiveness.
At the heart of forgiveness, its foundation, lies a precious understanding of our basic nature – that is, at the core of each human being is a goodness and love that are always there. The Hebrew Scriptures attest to recognising this basic goodness with the words, “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good” (Genesis 1:31). Of course, over time, our basic nature becomes defiled – and we find anger, attachment, jealousy, pride, to name some of our neurotic styles of behaviour. However, our underlying basic goodness – there from the beginning – is never completely obliterated.
Recognising our basic goodness is a gateway to a forgiving and loving heart!
To foster forgiveness, including loving-kindness and compassion in our lives, we could begin by thinking of all human beings as members of our own family – recognizing that they all share our wish to be happy and free from suffering:
The needed essential understanding behind forgiveness, then, is that all beings are just like us in that we share the same feelings, desires and goals. We all wish to be happy and free of suffering. For forgiveness to take root, we need to pause here to contemplate this truth, encapsulated in these words: “I feel compassion for all the beings who, like me, want to be happy and free from suffering” (Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche).
Finally, in view of the serious ramifications of unforgiveness – and the joy and well-being associated with forgiveness – the many admonitions in the Sacred Word for cultivating a forgiving spirit can be fully appreciated. Here is a selection:
- “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” (Hebrews 12:15)
- “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. … For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:12-15)
- “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mark 11:25)
- “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)
- So watch yourselves. “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.” (Luke 17:3-4)
- Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34)
- “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)
Alexander and Eva Peck